Alone

I have solitude on my mind today as my sister will be leaving in two days to go back to her home in Ohio. It has been nice to have her here and now I will adjust to her not being here. I have had some practice in these kinds of changes. I recall the first time my husband had to leave our home and was gone for two weeks. When he came back from this extended work trip I felt a little distant from him. It was all in my mind however and soon dissipated as our little family fell back into the routine of living.

One Thanksgiving holiday when I was away at college all of my classmates had gone to their homes for the four day break. For a reason which I cannot remember I had stayed on campus. Being there in my dorm room alone gave me a deep feeling of loss. I do remember that I "got over it " and life went on.

After my husband had lost his life and I was at home with our two children, I felt something different from loss. Since they were there and needng me to guide them through their adjustment I was too busy to feel other than a deep sadness. Also I was still in shock at the sudden way he died. One afternoon soon after his death, when the children were in school I had fallen asleep in a chair, I awakened suddenly, feeling a "presence" near me. It was not a fearful feeling, rather it was comforting and I felt it was the presence of my husband. I cannot explain the feeling but we were very happy together and somehow I felt that he was looking in on me. Perhaps in spirit he had come back to say his goodbye.

It is always easier to leave a place, person, etc. after a happy time together, than it is to be left after a good time, as in a family gathering, to be the one telling all good-by and come back soon. The emptiness of the house surrounds you and the best way to dispel the feeling is to get busy and find chores to do. That I have perfected to a fine degree. I just "git er dun" and go on. Perhaps that is discipline, but whatever it is, it works for me.

Perhaps it seems premature to be writing about this change now rather than after it has occurred. It may be that I just hate to see the separation become a reality as we are very close to each other and have an understanding which is so natural to sisters. Whatever it is I am sure we will be in close contact by phone checking in to see what is happening, what the doctor has said about tests, What the grandchildren are up to. In her case it would be purple gramma, a name given to her by her great grandchild after a fall left her chin purple. It is enduring none the less. And as the gentleman in our S.S. class said, having grandchildren to brighten our lives makes us feel younger, not older. I am buying into that and the idea that I will eventually recover from being the one left behind after this family three week visit. We will have many memories of this time to sustain us.